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[ Her thoughts are loud. She understands the exercise for what it is, but he knows she's turning the question over and over. After all, it's hard to unchain oneself from the past, especially ones such as theirs.

She might also be thinking he still sees her as an investment. Inwardly, he cringes, feeling his own words thrown back in his face, even if she doesn't speak them aloud. Carefully, he shifts, presses his cheek to her hair. Something like reassurance, because the words won't come; that's a different conversation. ]

Yes. You don't have to answer, if it's too much.

It's not, [she answers quickly. She doesn't want him to think she can't do something. She's the Wraith. She can do anything.

He shifts with his cheek to her hair, and her lashes dip down in pleasure. The intimacy of this is so intoxicating.]

Well, I would kiss you until our lips hurt. [Her smile is evident in her voice, but it gets serious all at once, the words coming achingly slowly, her voice sounding strained.] And I'd want to touch you everywhere, anywhere I could. I'd take off my clothes, show you my body, and I wouldn't be scared.

[It feels like the air is tense between them, and she stops, taking a breath, body feeling warm.] Is this... okay?

[ She says it's not too much and he gives her the silence she needs to collect her thoughts. Whether that means she ultimately doesn't get very far or if she answers more fully. It's not hard, letting the quiet lapse. Especially not with the comfortable warmth between them, with no threat of water around his ankles.

Inej is dealing with her own ghosts, now, and he respects that. ]

I wouldn't let you disappear. [ He says it seriously, a faint note of pride in his voice. She'd forged onwards, let the words come, even through hesitation. He feels as he does when she's neatly taken down a mark or shown up someone who thought they could underestimate her.

That mingles with the warmth of her answer and what it does to him. His imagination can fill in the blanks; there, his body can't rebel. There isn't a physical touch and it's easier to swallow down the threat of sea water and picture her fingers tracing across his collarbones. ]

I'm fine—are you?

[I wouldn't let you disappear, he says, and the words fall over her like water trickling over her skin. He'd given her a few words like this: I'd crawl to you. Every time she feels safe and wanted.]

I know.

[Inej smiles softly, tracing her fingers over the sleeve of his forearm.]

I'm fine.

[She's more than fine. She said all that to the boy she loves, and she's still okay. It feels about as good as that feeling after you shower in hot water, or eat a full, warm meal. It feels incredible, and she can't stop smiling. She is curious, though... She glances over her shoulder, not able to see his entire face, then settles back down.]

What would you do, Kaz?

[ Part of him relaxes when she answers. It's strange to be so aware of the little worries, to feel himself tensing when he thinks something will set her off. How long has it been this way? He can't recall when it crossed over, when he stopped thinking of her as purely an investment.

Maybe, he supposes, he hadn't always even believed that.

(Sometimes, he'll look at her and recall that meeting in the Menagerie. Recall the way the lamps had lit the parlour, limned along the edges of her features, the exact pitch of her whisper– I can help you. He'd come back).

At her return question, he tenses, just a bit. There's so much to say and he's not sure how she'll receive any of it. But she had tried, she had done it, and he owes it to her. ]

I'd touch you everywhere. With my hands first, then my mouth. [ Commit her to memory. ] Pull you on top of me and let you do whatever you'd like.

[ Hold on to her like this, like she was a rope in a storm, a lifeline. ]

[She thinks of their meeting too, sometimes, thinking of her skepticism of his offer. She wonders what he saw in her sometimes. He must have seen the Wraith.

But now, all that's here is Inej, the girl who loves him. She feels him tense a little and rubs his arm gently, trying to make up for the question.

But he does answer, and as soon as he answers, she turns warm inside. She wants it, wants all of it with all of her heart.]

Whatever I'd like... [she says, dazed. No man had ever wanted whatever she wanted.] Someday, we'll be able to.

[For now, they'll just do what they can, which is still quite a lot. She's exceptionally proud of him for all he's done today. She shifts a little, still warm in the face.] You would really let me take the lead?

[ As much as he's flinched away from touch before, he's glad of the weight of her hand on his arm. It doesn't make him sick, not with the cloth of his shirt serving as a barrier. Instead, it's a warm and reassuring thing.

Her question, though, has him feeling a flush right at the tips of his ears. Honestly, it's ridiculous and he swallows the feeling down, getting ahold of himself. He grew up in the Barrel, this question shouldn't make him blush like some innocent mercher's daughter. ]

I think I'd like it best if you did. [ Sometimes, in his dreams, she's straddling his hips and pinning him to the bed. At first, he'd resented the idea, it made him uncomfortable. But he kept returning to it, time and again, and it feels like every nerve aches with want. ]

[She's half surprised and half not. He'd always given her respect when she was confident. Maybe he likes it more than he knows.

She smiles, pleased, and nods. She's never had a man say that to her, and she finds she likes it. She's thought about quite a few scenarios, and sometimes that comes up, her riding him, spurring him on. Her cheeks flush..]

Do you ever...? Touch yourself? [It's a bold question to ask, and she adds in quickly:] You don't have to answer if you don't want to. But I do.

[ The first part of her question is ...well, it's not easy, but he feels as though he can speak the truth. She's already learned this much and given him similar information in kind. Talking through it is a bit awkward, but he has to admit it's helpful.

Her revelation, though, has him silenced, words flying from him. She might as well hit him in the gut, for how it knocks his breathing and mind askew. It's several beats of wresting his imagination away from that topic. Away from the thought of Inej, naked, dexterous fingers teasing between her legs. His pulse flickers wildly and he lets out a slightly strained: ]

Oh. [ And only by sheer force of will is he able to finishing answering, voice pitched lower than usual. ] More than I'd like to think about.

[She waits patiently, letting the silence drags on while he thinks. And then he answers in surprise and she realizes he hadn't realized she touches herself. Or hadn't thought about it, probably. She wonders if he's imagining it now, and finds her cheeks feeling warm.

He admits that he does too, and it takes her a moment to get past just the fact. Then her imagination is hauling into overdrive, imagining pale fingers wrapping around himself. She shivers, wanting those fingers on her.

It's impossible to talk about this and not have her thoughts flying around in her head.]

Sorry, I... That was pretty blunt, [she chuckles, readjusting against his body.] I'm glad, though. That we can talk about pretty much anything.

[ He's still thinking about it. Quite frankly, it's difficult not to. The image is burned into his mind like a brand and all he wants is to see it for real, not this hazy bit of imagination filling the gaps in his knowledge.

What makes it worse is the faint curiosity of whether she's thinking similar things about him. With how quiet it's gone, he thinks she probably is. That sends his mind down a different rabbit hole, one that involves her hands on him, sliding down past his hips. It's a particularly vicious delight; he knows he wouldn't be able to handle her doing that. Not now, not even soon. His gut twists with a sharp need, only tempered by the bitter reality of their situation.

Kaz takes a breath, counts down from five, and lets it out as silent as possible. Reminds himself that this—them here, curled into each other, is more than he ever thought possible. ]

There's no demure way to bring it up. Besides, the Barrel's shown us worse on a daily basis.

That's true. [Her mind does a sharp turn to men and women in minimal clothing, performing for the people walking by in masks. They'd seen worse. Been through worse. She can't imagine the kind of flack Kaz probably got when he went to the pleasure houses for information. He's never shown any interest in that sort of thing, but she saw the way the other girls watched him.

But Inej knows better now. Knows that Kaz wants, though it's debatable whether he'd want another girl or boy. Inej knows Kaz is the only person she can let in this far. She thinks it's maybe the same for him. She pauses, still having trouble getting her mind to slow down.]

Now I can't think of anything else, [she says with a laugh, rolling over to look up at him. He's so handsome in the dim light, shadows casting over his face. She can't help the grin on her face, loving this, though she's probably making him uncomfortable now that she can see his face.]

[ Underneath it all, he feels tetchy. Like Jesper, when he isn't shooting or gambling. Like he has too much energy but no way in which to dispel it. It's strange for him, because he's never been one to get worked up, always able to bend his focus to the tasks at hand.

The problem is there aren't any tasks.

There's just him and her and all the words that have passed between them and he can't top his mind from cycling through so many images. Ones that had only existed in dreams, in the middle of night. Ones whose vestiges only clung for as long as it took him to wash off in the morning and box it up, put it to the side.

(Of course, he had gotten less and less good at that as time had gone on. As he'd gotten closer to Inej).

So when she rolls over, he tenses a bit, attempting to school his face into something neutral, less revealing. ]

Didn't know I could distract you so easily. [ Not that he would've ever used this knowledge before. As it is, the words barely make it out with the levity he intends. ]

[She sees the tensing of his shoulders, the schooling of his expression, and her smile gets less bright, uncertain. Maybe she shouldn't have turned over. Maybe this is only making it harder for Kaz.

She has a feeling the thing with touch has to do with Jordie's fate. She doesn't get it, doesn't see how it connects, but she thinks it does. Every day, she wishes she could erase his pains. She wonders if he wishes the same thing for her, thinking about how her past hurts her every day. She wishes he could.

But now she's just wondering if she could get away with kissing him without falling apart in his arms, without him shivering away from her. It's tempting, with him looking down out her, unsure but wanting. She can still see the want in his face, though it's hidden well. Hidden from her.]

You always could, Kaz, [she murmurs, hand falling to his clothed arm. Will they always be like this? Their quick progress suggests that they could work past their touching problems, but something deep inside of her wants and is desperate about it.]

Is this okay? Just for a little while?

[ Her smile dims and he knows it's because he'd gone flat. Had quickly tucked away whatever emotion was on his face once she'd turned around. He's not quite ready for her to know it all, how deep it goes. Though anyone with any sense could probably figure it out.

A Barrel bastard doesn't just buy anyone freedom from their indenture. Nor would one secure just anyone's means of staying free. Money is power and freedom and the language of Kerch and he'd been more than willing to liquidate it all so she could get away. Just in case.

That isn't how the story ended, but he knows he'd do it again and again. ]

I feel like I recall you saying I was an asshole rather frequently at first. [ That falls under the distracting umbrella, but not for the reasons related to their current topic.

Glancing at the hand on his arm, he follows the line of it up to her face. The curtains are partially drawn, only a bit of light leaking in from the sheers. A spotlight of sun streaks half her features, follows the curve of her chin and the slope of her neck. Looking at her like this, it feels like he can't breathe. ]

For a little while.

[That brings back her smile, and she lies back down, releasing his arm. Yes, she'd been rather mouthy when she'd first gotten there. She'd been a bit horrified at first, sometimes believing the claims when people had told her stories, sometimes wondering what his hands really looked like.

But beneath that was always the boy that had saved her, who came back for her instead of just telling on her to Tante Heleen. Who showed her a home, gave her a room, and only asked that she follow whispers and slit throats. Sometimes, it had seemed a bad deal, like when she had to kill a man. But it got easier and easier.]

Well. You deserved it.

[He always does, but he also deserves some tenderness. Especially when he's looking at her like that. He agrees, and her smile blooms across her face. She's happy here with him.]

I was told to tell you I deserved the world, by the way. [She's teasing him now, amused by what she's remembering.] I'm a little skeptical, personally. What would I do with the world? And it doesn't really feel like I deserve anything like that.

[Her eyes flit away, remembering everything he'd given her. He must have spent a lot of money doing that. Could she really be worth all that?]

[ Two years doesn't seem like a long time. Well, he supposes it's bordering on three now, if not well past it. Even so, it doesn't feel like a long time and yet he can't imagine who he was before then. Before he'd heard Inej whisper to him in the Menagerie.

Maybe he'd been a harder person, more bitter with brittle edges that cut.

Two years isn't enough time to entirely reform a person, but he feels different. The Kaz that dragged himself out of the harbor would never recognize this one. Would never even dream of how he is now; Inej's face tipped towards him like a flower does to sun, his hand gently curved to her waist. She smiles and it's infectious, one of his own curving the normally straight line of his mouth.

(He definitely had deserved it. Every last rude name). ]

You do. [ The words are out before he can censure and he blinks, clearly startled by himself. ]

[It's one of the sweetest things she's ever heard from Kaz, though she's sure he would fight to give her the world and come back covered in blood. This is the man she fell for, and no matter how he softens, he's still him. She really wouldn't have it any other way.

She smiles, and it's soft, loving, thrilled. She can't quite hold herself back like he can all the time. It doesn't even matter, because he just said that, even if he's still looking startled by himself.]

You're wonderful, [she whispers, and then she laughs, closing her eyes.] Even if you don't think so.

[She opens her eyes again, her smile dropping in consternation.] I wish I could kiss you. But I don't think I could right now.

[It's already so much, touching everywhere, being so near him.]

[ Suddenly, he's glad for the dim lighting, feeling like his ears are burning. That would be twice in the span of a day and it's too much for him to even consider.

And while he wants to make some kind of amendment, something that will soften the sharpness of how emotional that response had been, he holds his tongue. This is what it means to shed the armor; to let the truth stand as it is. There's also a part of him that's glad the words are out. Inej deserves the world and more, anything and everything to keep that smile on her face.

(Still, he can't bring himself to agree that he deserves this. Yet— his greedy heart will take what's offered). ]

I know I couldn't. [ His answer comes out slightly strained, layered with an old wound and the swell of want. In place of a kiss, he brushes the backs of his gloved knuckles on the curve of her cheek, wishing and wishing it could be more one day. ]

[She knows how hard it is for him. Sometimes, she feels selfish even bringing up these things. But if he's willing to shed his armor, then she's willing to do the same, slowly but surely. That didn't stop them from wanting everything now, but it did make her feel better.

He admits he couldn't either, and a part of her lets out a sigh of relief. They'd try again some other time. It's just difficult when he's being so romantic. Well... romantic for Kaz. He brushes his knuckles over her cheek, and she lets out small, short hum, a pleased sound, tilting her head toward his touch with her eyes fluttering closed.]

It's okay, [she breathes, curling closer to him with her eyes still closed.] Do you ever think maybe it's good we're both the same way? Like at least Wylan isn't in love with you and trying to grope you.

[Blinking open her eyes, she realizes this could be construed as her loving Kaz, which would be true, but heck if they're going to talk about it. She continues with a laugh, hoping to distract.] It's weird to think of Wylan groping somebody, though.

[ When she lets out a sigh of relief, he can feel a coil of tension unfurl. She's shown time and again that she understands; each moment gives him confidence that this is a good choice. They'll figure this out on their own time, without one being too pushy.

Of course, when she closes her eyes and hums, he feels like he's suffocating, emotions welling up with such intensity. She's the picture of contentment, cheek pressed to his touch. Warmth bleeds through his glove.

And then the moment goes stilted, just a bit, "love" mentioned like a fact. Maybe he's reading between the lines too much. Maybe it was the closest word to what she wanted to say.

Maybe he needs to stop himself from saying something too soon, too close to his core. ]

His hands aren't fast enough. [ And that completes the joke at Wylan's expense. Sorry not sorry, merchling. ]

[She laughs, and just like that, she feels like they're on even ground again. God, she had to watch her mouth. She's not ready for that at all.]

That's probably true. Here -

[She turns over again so she's facing the wall. A part of her is sad. Another is relieved. They're not prepared for this kind of intimacy yet, she thinks.] This was cozier.

[It's just an excuse to not see his face anymore, embarrassed by what she'd said. Maybe he didn't notice at all. Maybe he noticed, but didn't think that.

Maybe she's a goddamn fool.]

I need another task soon or I'm going to turn into a lazy homebody.

[ While he can't know for sure what's on her mind, his own is filling in the blanks. She'd said that aloud, hadn't meant to. Now they're both pretending she hadn't dropped that in their midst. His stomach churns, stressed out over whether she had wanted him to acknowledge it or if she was content to let it lie.

He thinks it's the latter. Probably.

Either way, it would be better to take their minds off of it. ]

Steal some wallets. [ KAZ NO...... ] Turn around, I want to try something.

[She stiffens at his request without really meaning to, though she tries to soften it, rolling over with her face as carefully blank as she can get it, nerves still holding onto the edges and lines of her face.

She rolls her brown eyes at him.] Can't you find a better use of me?

[She says that, but she'll probably go out and do it. They could use the chroma. Now she waits for him to direct her to do something, still nervous.]

[ He bites down on his initial answer which is: I could, words too loaded with innuendo. The kind he would mean. So he goes for something more neutral, more comfortable for them both. ]

A hand out of practice is too slow in a critical moment. [ Which is true. He's already bought himself a deck of cards, so he could keep his fingers limber.

She turns towards him and he has to stop himself from spending too much time carving her features into his memory. They've seen each other every day for more than two years, but this is new. A different angle. And he wants to know them all.

Feeling a bubble of nerves on his own end, he turns away from her and then holds a hand out. All at once, he feels like he's hidden and exposed, back to her in trust. ]

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